The Addiction

This isn’t a date….more of an encounter.  I’m putting off posting the 5^th date for a day or two because this is more prevalent on my mind and I’m hoping writing about it will help me put it behind me.  Please don’t judge too harshly.

I mentioned in my first post that I believed taking action brings change.  Opening up to new experiences will bring about all kinds of new possibilities.  What I forgot was, once you get to a really good place, the universe likes to f*ck with you.  The people who have held you back in the past somehow sense you’ve let them go and come right back, throwing their anchor around your neck.  Then you’re drowning before you know what’s happening.

My “test” came in the form of an email on a weekend afternoon.  I was very clearly minding my own business, looking forward to meeting up with friends later that night.  “Are u out?” it said.  How could three tiny, innocent words lead to the mental disarray I’m in now?

It’s probably clear that this guy is someone I know and have experience with.  He’ll pop up out of the blue here and there looking for “company”.  He likes to say we’re friends but, in my mind, contacting me every 3-4 months when you have nothing else going on, does not a friendship make.  But it didn’t ever bother me, that much.  It was more amusing than anything.  

Truth be told, I threw a log or two on that flame more than once, so I can’t cry victim.  Truth be more told, I’ve always been kind of intrigued by him.  He’s smart, attractive, dynamic, active, challenging….at least on the surface.  I can’t say I know him well enough to know if those things are real or, instead, what I envision them to be. But way back when, when we were first acquainted I thought, wow, this could maybe be something good (and that doesn’t happen often).  It’s since devolved into this weird “I want you, but WAIT, no I don’t, but HOLD ON yes I do!” kind of dance with me in the role of “ yo-yo”.  But it was never anything more than a funny story when all was said and done.  The last time we were in the same room together was probably over 8 months ago.  So a nuisance, yes.  Devastating? no.

Until my birthday a few months ago.  I’ve spent a good part of this year analyzing my relationships and deciding who was bringing something good to my life and who was creating clutter.  So at the time of my birthday I was at the point where I was out of patience.  I forget all the details leading up to it but we were supposed to meet on my birthday.  It’s very possible I started this exchange.  

Well, you know that’s the other thing about this guy.  It’s always on his terms.  He’ll contact me out of nowhere to see what I’m up to and I’m usually coming home from the gym, a sweaty mess, or something like that.  I’ll suggest another day and it will never happen.  So I usually just dismiss it.  This time, “tomorrow” happened to be my birthday and I suggested that.  Without going into the messy details, he blew me off.  Hard.  Not canceled.  Blew off, as in, I texted him to tell him I was about ready to come see him and he didn’t even reply.  As if I didn’t exist.  So you know, chalk it up to “I know better than this” and move on.  And I did.  I was a little annoyed that there was no follow up apology or even a lie.  Nothing.  Which further strengthens my “we aren’t friends” stance.   So I deleted his number and forgot about it.  He’s definitely in the “clutter” category so, case closed.

I had forgotten about him until this email a couple of days ago.  Long story short I told him I wasn’t interested in a casual meet up and a little about my new on line dating adventure.   Eventually it turned into, if he wanted to have dinner, I’d be happy to catch up (knowing full well it wouldn’t happen).   He called me suggesting drinks, in a friendly way.  A couple of days later I sent an innocent text.  He countered with a less innocent reply, I weakened a little, he smelled blood, I rose to the challenge and didn’t let it go when I should have.  The battle continued for the better part of the evening and culminated with me sitting on his couch at midnight, not fully digesting how I got there but knowing I finally lost the war, the war with myself anyway.  

And he did what he usually does, which is as soon as he had me, he watched me squirm for about 20 minutes then took the hook out my mouth and threw me back.  

It went down less harshly than that but that’s how it felt.  We did talk for a little while.  Mostly in reference to his attempt to find someone to date, for real and why his recent experiences hadn’t worked out.  Which stung because, although I also shared my common goal with him, I had just assumed the reason he and I hadn’t ever really dated was because he wasn’t interested in anything long term.  Yeah, evidently not the case. 

The real punch in the stomach came when he said this “I think you lose your hunger when you can always….”  He left it unsaid but he meant “when you can always email someone in your rotation and they’ll be at your disposal” That someone could be anyone but, at that particular moment, it was me.   In my head I heard the proverbial record screeching to a halt, and then didn’t hear much else.  I panicked.  Then volunteered to leave and he surely did not try to talk me into staying.

I vaguely remember him saying some things about what a great person I am and having respect for me etc which is why we shouldn’t continue on this path but, COME ON!

A.  Didn’t you know this BEFORE we spent hours ‘tug of war’ texting about whether or not I was coming over?  This particular rendezvous was YOUR idea!!!  Why did it take an $8.00 cab ride and a waste of my time for you to decide you were going to “respect” me, this time?

B.  Honestly, If I’m that great, and you enjoy my company as you say you do, why do you continually treat me like a two dollar whore?  Just ask me to dinner in the first place! 

In fairness, he did offer to drive me home but I couldn’t bear to be in that moment in time any longer so I got out of there as fast as I could and took my second late night walk home in as many weeks (remember date #4).  But this time, I was PISSED.  And he knows it.  I can take a lot of things for a long time but when I’m done, I’m done and you’re going to hear about it.

The thing that’s really taken over my mind is his suggestion that we are “addicted” to this back and forth nonsense.  I can’t accept that I’m addicted to HIM.  I barely know him and we haven’t had a deep meaningful relationship.  I know this because I have been addicted to a person and it’s absolutely soul wrenching.  This is not.  

What’s more realistic is I’m addicted to the “maybe”.  Maybe this time he'll see I’m worth more?

But who should I realistically be angry at?  I said to myself as I was leaving “I can’t believe I let him do this to me again!” but, I think the more important question is “Why did I do this to myself again?”

He was being who I know him to be.  Flaky, indecisive and wanting what he can’t have until the moment he has it.  I’ve always said, when someone tells or shows you who they are, listen.  But I went along with it anyway. In hopes I would get some sort of validation from a person I shouldn’t even care about.  

Whose fault is that, really? 

For the last couple of days I’ve felt like I have an open wound that won’t heal and my momentum is gone.  But I think I have no one to blame but myself.