The Addiction

This isn’t a date….more of an encounter.  I’m putting off posting the 5^th date for a day or two because this is more prevalent on my mind and I’m hoping writing about it will help me put it behind me.  Please don’t judge too harshly.

I mentioned in my first post that I believed taking action brings change.  Opening up to new experiences will bring about all kinds of new possibilities.  What I forgot was, once you get to a really good place, the universe likes to f*ck with you.  The people who have held you back in the past somehow sense you’ve let them go and come right back, throwing their anchor around your neck.  Then you’re drowning before you know what’s happening.

My “test” came in the form of an email on a weekend afternoon.  I was very clearly minding my own business, looking forward to meeting up with friends later that night.  “Are u out?” it said.  How could three tiny, innocent words lead to the mental disarray I’m in now?

It’s probably clear that this guy is someone I know and have experience with.  He’ll pop up out of the blue here and there looking for “company”.  He likes to say we’re friends but, in my mind, contacting me every 3-4 months when you have nothing else going on, does not a friendship make.  But it didn’t ever bother me, that much.  It was more amusing than anything.  

Truth be told, I threw a log or two on that flame more than once, so I can’t cry victim.  Truth be more told, I’ve always been kind of intrigued by him.  He’s smart, attractive, dynamic, active, challenging….at least on the surface.  I can’t say I know him well enough to know if those things are real or, instead, what I envision them to be. But way back when, when we were first acquainted I thought, wow, this could maybe be something good (and that doesn’t happen often).  It’s since devolved into this weird “I want you, but WAIT, no I don’t, but HOLD ON yes I do!” kind of dance with me in the role of “ yo-yo”.  But it was never anything more than a funny story when all was said and done.  The last time we were in the same room together was probably over 8 months ago.  So a nuisance, yes.  Devastating? no.

Until my birthday a few months ago.  I’ve spent a good part of this year analyzing my relationships and deciding who was bringing something good to my life and who was creating clutter.  So at the time of my birthday I was at the point where I was out of patience.  I forget all the details leading up to it but we were supposed to meet on my birthday.  It’s very possible I started this exchange.  

Well, you know that’s the other thing about this guy.  It’s always on his terms.  He’ll contact me out of nowhere to see what I’m up to and I’m usually coming home from the gym, a sweaty mess, or something like that.  I’ll suggest another day and it will never happen.  So I usually just dismiss it.  This time, “tomorrow” happened to be my birthday and I suggested that.  Without going into the messy details, he blew me off.  Hard.  Not canceled.  Blew off, as in, I texted him to tell him I was about ready to come see him and he didn’t even reply.  As if I didn’t exist.  So you know, chalk it up to “I know better than this” and move on.  And I did.  I was a little annoyed that there was no follow up apology or even a lie.  Nothing.  Which further strengthens my “we aren’t friends” stance.   So I deleted his number and forgot about it.  He’s definitely in the “clutter” category so, case closed.

I had forgotten about him until this email a couple of days ago.  Long story short I told him I wasn’t interested in a casual meet up and a little about my new on line dating adventure.   Eventually it turned into, if he wanted to have dinner, I’d be happy to catch up (knowing full well it wouldn’t happen).   He called me suggesting drinks, in a friendly way.  A couple of days later I sent an innocent text.  He countered with a less innocent reply, I weakened a little, he smelled blood, I rose to the challenge and didn’t let it go when I should have.  The battle continued for the better part of the evening and culminated with me sitting on his couch at midnight, not fully digesting how I got there but knowing I finally lost the war, the war with myself anyway.  

And he did what he usually does, which is as soon as he had me, he watched me squirm for about 20 minutes then took the hook out my mouth and threw me back.  

It went down less harshly than that but that’s how it felt.  We did talk for a little while.  Mostly in reference to his attempt to find someone to date, for real and why his recent experiences hadn’t worked out.  Which stung because, although I also shared my common goal with him, I had just assumed the reason he and I hadn’t ever really dated was because he wasn’t interested in anything long term.  Yeah, evidently not the case. 

The real punch in the stomach came when he said this “I think you lose your hunger when you can always….”  He left it unsaid but he meant “when you can always email someone in your rotation and they’ll be at your disposal” That someone could be anyone but, at that particular moment, it was me.   In my head I heard the proverbial record screeching to a halt, and then didn’t hear much else.  I panicked.  Then volunteered to leave and he surely did not try to talk me into staying.

I vaguely remember him saying some things about what a great person I am and having respect for me etc which is why we shouldn’t continue on this path but, COME ON!

A.  Didn’t you know this BEFORE we spent hours ‘tug of war’ texting about whether or not I was coming over?  This particular rendezvous was YOUR idea!!!  Why did it take an $8.00 cab ride and a waste of my time for you to decide you were going to “respect” me, this time?

B.  Honestly, If I’m that great, and you enjoy my company as you say you do, why do you continually treat me like a two dollar whore?  Just ask me to dinner in the first place! 

In fairness, he did offer to drive me home but I couldn’t bear to be in that moment in time any longer so I got out of there as fast as I could and took my second late night walk home in as many weeks (remember date #4).  But this time, I was PISSED.  And he knows it.  I can take a lot of things for a long time but when I’m done, I’m done and you’re going to hear about it.

The thing that’s really taken over my mind is his suggestion that we are “addicted” to this back and forth nonsense.  I can’t accept that I’m addicted to HIM.  I barely know him and we haven’t had a deep meaningful relationship.  I know this because I have been addicted to a person and it’s absolutely soul wrenching.  This is not.  

What’s more realistic is I’m addicted to the “maybe”.  Maybe this time he'll see I’m worth more?

But who should I realistically be angry at?  I said to myself as I was leaving “I can’t believe I let him do this to me again!” but, I think the more important question is “Why did I do this to myself again?”

He was being who I know him to be.  Flaky, indecisive and wanting what he can’t have until the moment he has it.  I’ve always said, when someone tells or shows you who they are, listen.  But I went along with it anyway. In hopes I would get some sort of validation from a person I shouldn’t even care about.  

Whose fault is that, really? 

For the last couple of days I’ve felt like I have an open wound that won’t heal and my momentum is gone.  But I think I have no one to blame but myself.

Date #4 – The Usual

I had high hopes for this one.  We talked on the phone briefly before meeting and we seemed to get along pretty well.  He’s the physical type I find attractive, seems to be successful at work and we had stuff in common.  He lives in town but on the other side.  When trying to come up with a place to meet he didn’t make a suggestion so being the thoughtful person I am, I suggested a spot close to him.  It doesn’t occur to me to think that will be a lot of work for me because who cares?  I’m willing to make the effort.  It’s not a plane ride away, just a few extra blocks.  What also does not occur to me is that it’s going to be frigidly cold and therefore difficult to find a cab at the appropriate time.  When I realize I’m going to have to walk, I let him know I’m going to be late because it’s at least a 20 minute walk (actually longer).  His response “ok thanks”.

It takes 25 minutes of the 30 minute walk for me to ask myself “why didn’t he suggest a closer place, somewhere we could meet half way”?  I would have done that.  I don’t know why I didn’t think that sooner but now I’m a little annoyed.

Annoyed is not really a good way to meet someone for the first time.  I get there and he is already at the bar and has not saved me a seat.  He does, however, get up and let me sit, which is a plus.  I’ve discovered lately that I’m a lot more old fashioned than I thought.  A man should always give up his seat, in my opinion.  Yes, maybe that is a hypocritical way of thinking as I think men and women should be equal in every other way.  But I never claimed to be perfect.

Finally someone next to us leaves and he sits as well.  What’s worth mentioning is that he is super nervous.  Which makes me even more nervous and doesn’t make for a very smooth initial meeting.  There’s lots of talking over each other, bumping into each other etc.  Just, bad.

Eventually we both relax (3 drinks probably helps a lot with that) and it’s ok.  But it’s not great.  It’s the best conversation so far but we are talking about the same things I talk about with everyone else I know.  Which summer house we’ve been in, who we both know in town, what places we’ve gotten the drunkest at.  The Usual.  This is the same guy I meet every summer, in a different package.  Is it comforting? Yes.  Would I like to find someone who has the same interests and experiences as me? Sure.  But that’s not enough.  I want someone who challenges my limits, someone I can learn from and grow with.  I’m not feeling that will be the case here.

Now perhaps I’m being a little too picky or gun-shy.  I admit I’m quicker to find a reason to NOT date someone than the alternative.

I eventually call it a night because we don’t have much more to talk about and I haven’t eaten dinner so one more drink and things could get ugly.  And that’s really that.  We say goodbye, quick kiss on the cheek and I walk 30 minutes home in the freezing cold, thoroughly underwhelmed and slightly discouraged.

 I know it’s only the 4^th date but patience is not something I have an abundance of.

Date #3 - The Nice Guy

I’m struggling with this one a bit because there’s not much to say.  He’s 40ish, divorced, non-practicing attorney with a cute dog.  Bald but attractive, quick smile, gentlemanly.  But, I don’t know.  There’s something missing.  He’s seems damaged, a little lost.   People say when they lose something or someone who was very meaningful in their life, a piece of themselves gets lost in the process.  I can see that in him.  He’s definitely not whole.  He’s got some personal and family issues going on that I don’t feel right divulging, even anonymously.  Conversation is slow but not excruciating and the more he tells me about himself, the more I want to give him a hug.  What I decidedly do NOT want to do is rip his clothes off.  Or anything remotely close to that.  Seems to be a genuinely good person but I don’t think I want to sign up for this.  I want someone a little more vibrant and bright.  I have enough of my own dark, I need a little light.  Maybe that makes me a genuinely bad person.  But it’s the truth.

That’s really all I want to say about him.  I feel like I’m locking my dog outside in the rain saying the little I did.

So I’ll talk a bit about the pros and cons of multi-dating:

Pros:

1.        It’s impossible to get too caught up or obsessive with one guy because there just isn’t the time for that.  That puts a lot less pressure on each situation and it’s much easier to relax into it and not over analyze anything

2.       I’ve worn my one perfect date outfit on every date and no one knows the difference.  Awesome.

3.       I’m learning a lot about myself and what I do and don’t want.  Something you’d think wouldn’t take 30 something years to do but, here I am. 

4.       It’s very exciting to meet new people and hear their perspective on things.  It’s nice to open the window and let some fresh air in once in a while.  Makes me appreciate the familiarity of my friends all the more too.  It’s also refreshing to know that some guys do want to be gentlemen and treat women the right way.

Cons:

1.        It’s getting very difficult to remember what the hell I’m saying to all these men.  Seriously a problem.

2.       I have to triple check all my text messages before I send them to make sure they are going to the right person

3.       I’m prone to sliding through experiences with my eye on what’s next, instead of fully committing to the moment at hand.  Always having the next date planned isn’t doing much to help my focus

4.       The anxiety before the date is just awful.  There’s no other way to describe it. 

I do have to say though that most of the guys are just as, if not more nervous, than I am.  So you do start out on a level playing field.  And, with the exception of the jack ass on date #2, they’ve been very courteous and kind.  Each of them has paid for all food and drinks (although I’ve offered each time), been on time and generally respectful.  I guess there’s not much more to ask for, really. 

Next date is a 40 something real estate developer who lives nearby.  I have high hopes for this one.  Also on deck, a 39 year divorced dad that I’ve been in contact with for about a week.  Updates soon!

Date #2 - The Jack Ass

It takes a couple of rounds of phone tag for us to actually connect.  That might be why I prefer texting, it’s naturally more efficient and allows for multi-tasking.  The fact that he refuses to text through the specifics of a date and, I therefore have to be sitting in wait of at least one of his return calls, is already grating on my nerves.  The fact that he says “Wow, calling you is like trying to get in touch with the president of the United States” makes me want to chalk this one up to “No Way In Hell”.

But, the spirit of this blog, and whole experience really, is to take chances and meet as many new people as possible.  So I go with it.  Even after he manages to mention his ex-fiance no less than three times in a span of 4 minutes, I go with it.  When he vetoes my first suggestion for a meeting place because his Ex lives within 50 feet of it….I continue to go with it.  This is going to be the guy to ask the ever popular, unanswerable “So why are you single?”  I can just feel it.

So you can’t really blame me for getting a little boozy at brunch before I meet him can you?  

Ok, I did have a few drinks during the day but by the time I had to be ready I was, just about, perfectly fine. 

 I’m sure to get to the place first this time so he has to find me.  And in walks a guy who looks VAGUELY like his pictures.  Recognizable but the pictures are clearly……hmmm……old pictures.  

In the words of an old friend (or maybe it was Sex and the City – I can’t remember) this guy “has his light on”.  In other words he’s ready for the whole thing.  Right now.  The house, the kids, mowing the lawn and exciting nights IN folding laundry and drinking Bud Heavies out of the can.  

This theory is proven by his first question out of the gate “Do you want a family, you know, kids and stuff”…..Now I respect this line of questioning because I do, after all, love being efficient.  If you know what you want, why not just put it out there?  No point in wasting time with someone who isn’t on the same page.  I just would have liked a little more, I don’t know, alcohol maybe? Before having to answer a question like that.

So I…blink and open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.  The pause gives him a chance to launch into “Because you know some girls start getting into their 40s and decide they don’t want kids and would rather go shopping for a Coach bag or spend all day at brunch”   

Am I that person?? I think might be that person!

Then “You’re not one of those girls who like to go out and get hammered and swing her bra around on the bar right?”

I can solemnly swear I’ve never removed my bra, in a bar.  But only because I wasn’t there the night my girlfriends did.  

And, finally, the knock-out punch “You’re pretty, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Now it’s pretty evident that this date is going nowhere so I’ll tell you what I’m thinking after he asks this question:

1. If I had a good answer to that, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you, jackass
2. It implies because I'm "pretty" there must be some innate defect
3. What does it matter why, here I am and it's your lucky day. 
4. You're saying "why are you single" and I'm hearing "why didn't you cook my dinner b*tch"?

      I’m not sure why this question bothers me so much aside from it is condescending and stupid.  Does anyone ask this question of men?  It’s as if being single is a choice for men but an affliction for women.  Like I’m not holding up to my societal obligations because I’m not cooking some loser’s dinner.

Or maybe I’m over reacting.  Please feel free to post your thoughts on this in the comments.

Two down.  A few dates this week that seem interesting and I’m not dreading, so that’s a step in the right direction!

Date #1 – The Sleeper

This guy seems cool.  Age 40, never married, attorney, geographically desirable…..solid start.  Best part, he texts.  I guess I’m a bit of an aberration when it comes to my preferred forms of communication.  I like to text and email, do not like to talk on the phone.  Something about talking to dead air is very nerve wracking.  And I suck at it.  So, points for setting up the whole date on text.  And banter.  Points for fun texting banter.

The WORST part about online dating is the actual act of meeting for the first time.  The “I’m so and so are you blah blah?”.  So very awkward!!  What if he doesn’t look like his picture, what if he’s not really 6 feet tall and I’m wearing 4 inch heels, what if, what if, what if??

As a person who is capable of imagining the worst in every scenario, the constant “what if” plays in my head as I walk from my office to meet date #1.  I’m literally panicking with anticipation.  Whose idea was this anyway?  Anything, anything! Would be more fun than what I’m experiencing at this very moment.

Then, as I’m standing on the corner waiting to cross the street, I think I see him walk by.  YES! Panic instantly subsides when I know I can spot him easily as soon as I walk in the door of the restaurant we’re meeting at.

Until I get to the door, look through the window and see him……….talking to a different girl?!?! WHAT? Does this really happen??  As quickly and naturally as is possible I take my hand off the door handle and do an “about face” around the block to figure out what to do next.

As I’m wondering aimlessly, he sends a text message saying “I’m here, at the back bar”.  Ok, I must have misjudged.  Wrong person.  Back to the entrance, stride through the door, walk to the back bar and see……..the same guy now assisting the same girl into a seat. 

 WHAT the F*Ck?!?! 

Who does this, what kind of sick, twisted people join these on line dating sites??  I’m leaving, that’s it, I am done with this!!!  Until I turn my head slightly to the left of this couple and see  -  my date, the guy I’m actually there to meet.  Sitting alone and waiting patiently.  

And we begin again.  Unfortunately, the excitement of figuring out who he was and where he was sitting is far more than that of the actual date.  This guy is virtually asleep on his feet.  Kind of reminds me of how I felt when I took a combination of valium and codeine before having my wisdom teeth removed.  Content and happy, but not able to form full sentences.  His response to everything is “Oh. Yeah.  Pause.  Stare”.  Although I’m not an expert conversationalist, I can hold my own in most situations.  This feels like I’m dragging a buggy on my back like one of those poor horses in Central Park.  Not fun and not worth a couple less hours of sleep.  One drink and 30 minutes later I explain I have to get up early and leave as gracefully as possible.  Which is not as easy as one would think.

Not everything I dreamed it would be but definitely not a total failure.  There were some lessons learned.  

1.  Don't jump to conclusions. 

2.  Personality is way more important than looks.  Yes, we should all know this by now but it

      doesn't hurt to have a reminder now and then.

Next up….40ish guy from the ‘burbs who needs to talk on the phone to feel “connected.”  Right up my alley – should be good (that’s a little sarcasm)….

The Thrill (or Defeat?) of the Inbox

Ummm, where are all these guys in real life?  Why is it whenever I leave the house I don’t spot any interesting men but, when I open my inbox it’s brimming with possibilities?  Tall, dark, handsome, age appropriate, possibilities.  It’s awesomely exciting and a little bit addictive, if I’m being honest.  What an ego boost!  I guess the cloak of the computer screen makes this whole process of dating a little less daunting.  The potential for feeling rejected is almost non-existent.  If one guy doesn’t answer you, there are 15 others who will.  Practically no risk.  Does that mean no reward?  I guess we’ll see.  

But, you know that feeling when you go to the hardware store to pick out paint samples? That head spinning, chest constricting, WOW it’s hot in here, I’ll just grab as many shades of sage as I can find and figure it out at home, feeling?  That’s sort of how I’m feeling.  What usually happens with the paint chips when I bring them home?  They sit in a pile in various parts of my apartment, collect dust and eventually get thrown away on a rare occasion I decide to “really” clean.  Simply put, narrowing down choices and committing to a long term idea, not my strong point. 

Hmmmmm....maybe it is me?!?

As I said, I guess only time will tell.  First date lined up.  Wish me luck.  Will report back after!

The Beginning

So it starts here.  I’m a woman in my late thirties who woke up a few weeks ago and realized my life is quickly passing me by, in a sea of cover bands and dirty martinis.  What happened?  And how did it happen so fast??  And most importantly, why am I still single??

I’m attractive, smart, some say funny, know how to read and write, can get myself showered and out the door in less than 45 minutes, genuinely enjoy watching a good sporting event, am usually on time, generally independent (except for changing light bulbs and anything else that requires climbing a ladder) gainfully and successfully employed and have health benefits…..so, really, what more could you want?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely had my share of, shall we say, gentleman callers of the not so gentlemanly variety.  It’s the quality that’s a problem.  And as I do in my professional life, when things aren’t going as planned, I have to take a look at the common denominator in the situation.  ME!  Maybe I’m just not making enough of an effort, reluctant to change, afraid of commitment etc.  (All of those convenient excuses we make for guys who don’t call us back)

Whatever it is, something needs to change, and fast.  Commiserating with some like-minded girlfriends I decided to do something.  Take action.  Set a goal.   The things you’d do to conquer any of life’s other challenges.  That something would be chronicling my leap of faith into the online dating pool.  I’m a firm believer in taking action to bring change.  The more you do something, the more of that thing you’ll get.  The Law of attraction…..blah blah blah.  It works and I’m going to prove it.  As my friend’s mom said so succinctly “If you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, some of it’s bound to stick”.

My goal is to go on 3-4 dates a month and give a brief recount of each date.  A “date” will be a scheduled event where I get to know a new guy who has potential.   I’ll throw in some friends’ stories as well to keep it interesting and anonymous.  Maybe add the perspective of a male friend here and there too.

Ultimately, I’d like to find a good guy.  Hopefully this will make the search that much more exciting and fun.

A quick note of thanks to my friends.  Their suggestions (most notably for the title of this blog), ideas, time spent discussing (and laughing) and beautifully kind, words of encouragement gave me the courage to do this.  Thank you!