Calling the Question

In parliamentary procedure, if a debate has dragged on longer than you feel is really warranted, you can “call the question,” at which time the chair has to immediately ask those assembled to vote to determine whether or not the debate should be cut off or continue. The motion to call the question is itself not debatable.

That concept can easily be applied to relationships.  It happens when you're in the dating purgatory for a little too long.  That place between - "those first couple of dates were so fun" and "Where do we go from here?"

Where is this going? Are you dating anyone else? Do you want to meet up again? Should I move on? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?

Simple questions, really.  Why does asking them make me feel like I'm about to jump out of an airplane?

I'll back up a little.  Last we spoke, me and guy from the past were getting along just great.  We had a great date, we had plans to meet up again in a couple of weeks and everything was GREAT.  Then there was a natural disaster.  And now things are not so great anymore.

(Because this blog is meant to be light hearted and fun I don't want to go into details of that disaster.  It was terrible and my heart goes out to those who lost far more than I did.  It's been tough to get my head back in the game, I can only imagine what those who have lost homes and family are feeling.  It's my hope that they can carry on peacefully.)

He, the guy, was supposed to be back in town the week the disaster happened so his visit was obviously canceled.  Here's the thing about guys.  They don't have a fucking clue how to communicate.

He tells me the trip was canceled and I ask him if he'd like to plan another time we could meet up.  Next I heard from him was a day later asking some details on how we were doing during the storm.  But definitely not answering my question.  To be fair, the footage of the storm was pretty scary so he might not have felt that was the right time to be asking me to plan a trip.  And I'd probably agree.  Problem is, he could have just said that.  Instead, there's silence and I'm wondering.  There's nothing I despise more than being left to wonder.

He checked in here or there but just enough to say he did.  No real effort or offers to help and I really kept him more updated than he tried to be.  My effort was greater even when I was the one living the nightmare.

We kept in touch as things gradually got back to normal for me.  I asked him how he was doing one day (as it really had been all about me and the floods for a good while) and got, you guessed it, silence.  For a couple of days.  Which was strange.  He's not the quickest responder but it's usually not days.

On the third day, I decided to mentally write him off.  Refreshed my online dating profile, talked to some people, felt good about the decision, went home to pack and as it usually goes with these types of things, my phone rings...and it's him.

To summarize "Hey wanted to check in to make sure you're ok oh and btw sorry I haven't been in touch I had a family emergency that happened 5 days ago"

Uh huh.  This is going to sound cold but I thought to myself, that doesn't explain why you haven't made much of an effort the days BEFORE 5 days ago.  But I said all the right things, offered to help etc and figured I'd make another effort and asked him if he was interested in joining a trip I wanted to plan.  I had originally wanted to ask him to join but when I hadn't heard from him obviously I thought I knew he was not interested.  Of course his answer was, sure that would be fun, let me know what you decide. 

But...still no effort on his part to plan something.  Anything.  If I hadn't said something we'd be back to nothing.  No suggestions for where he'd like to go, no dates he's available.  It feels his actions aren't matching up with his words in a lot of ways.

So I eventually said something.  There was another unsatisfying text exchange and I finally lost my patience.  Now before you think, what's up with her, he just said he had a family emergency?  Please realize that I've made ALL the effort for us to keep in touch.  Every bit of it.  The only things he's initiated are the first time we hung out and the phone call and maybe one or two one word questions about my status during the storm.  That's it.  And every communication has ended with him disappearing.  There's no - good night, I'm heading out talk to you tomorrow, or going to the gym or anything like that.  I say something and he just never responds.  And that's it until the next time I reach out.  Somethings not quite lining up.  That doesn't feel good and that leads me to believe he's ok with a quick chat here or there but really not a whole lot more.

I told him I was done trying, I thought it felt obvious he's not interested in finding a way to meet up again, if there's something I did for this to be the case then please accept my apology. 

No response.

Until 6:00 am.  Which I don't even know what to think about that.  Of course he says, I don't know what you're talking about I was totally into planning something for December.  Ok, that's great.  But that's very different than actually taking action to plan something.  I can say a lot of things but until I do them, what I say doesn't matter.

I told him I just really wanted to plan something fun with him.  Does not matter where or when.  Even offered to meet him where he could tend to his family emergency at the same time.  (Again, before you think I'm being dismissive of his family situation, he told me he planned a couple of trips in the last couple of days.  He's capable of planning things, just not with me) 

My closing argument was that I just don't want to keep asking and "putting myself out there" if it's not what he wants.  Very simple.  Yes or no.  In or out.  Where is this going?  I guess these types of questions are hardest when you already have an idea the answer isn't what you'd hoped for.

And, that was about 12 hours ago.  Bet you can guess what the response was.....NOTHING!

So I've done a lot of thinking about why he came back into my life now.  And what I could learn from it because I'm so disappointed.  I think, in a lot of ways, we are very similar.  I've made a lot of progress but I can see now why any man who was emotionally available would run screaming from me.  Hitting this brick wall is just not fun.  I have a brick wall.  It's not as thick as it used to be, but it's there.  Now I know why it's so frustrating.  And why I have to keep working at dismantling it. 

The Summer Setback

It was a rough summer.

 

Well, to be fair, it had its ups and downs.  I made a few new friends that I’m very appreciative of, learned a lot of good things about some old ones and a lot of not so good things about myself.  As my therapist would say, it was a “growing experience”.  I’ll say this about growing experiences…..they Suck, with a capital S.

After spending the last year working very hard to stop making bad decisions, I slipped up.  Big.  I’ll liken it to an alcoholic walking into a bar and taking a sip.  Just one little sip won’t hurt, right?  WRONG!  It was almost like an out of body experience, like I was watching a movie I had no control over.  I knew this was a bad choice every step of the way.  I knew I shouldn’t be doing it but I just couldn’t stop myself.

I remember clearly saying to a friend “This is the same guy”.  This is the SAME GUY.  I always chose this guy.  And it always ends up the same way.  Except this time it didn’t.  It was way, way worse.  

I’m purposely being vague because 1. The details are really just ridiculous  2. I’m a little afraid “he” will somehow find this entry and I’ll have to move to another country.  One of my favorite things to say is “You can’t have a rational argument with an irrational person” or, in more simple terms, “You can’t win an argument with a crazy person” and boy did that theory get proven.

Although this situation has been over for a couple of months it’s still affecting my life, my choices, and my plans and how I interact with my friends.  Which is unfortunate, but a consequence I have to take responsibility for.  Another unfortunate side effect of my bad decision making is how my friends got dragged along on this trip through Crazy Town with me.  I do regret that.

Addiction, and the consequences associated with it comes in all shapes and sizes.  My drug of choice happens to be assholes.  

BUT!  After darkness comes the light, right? Or whatever….

Toward the end of the summer, as this saga worked into its final crescendo of crazy, I thought of someone.  Someone I met about 5 years ago, out one night with my friends at the beach.  My good friend and I decided to take action and send a group of men drinks.  Never did it before, never did it again after.  Turns out they were there just that weekend.  I got to talking to one of the guys and we hit it off.  When people talk about “just knowing” it has to be like this was.  Fun and comfortable and right – I still remember it very vividly, like it was yesterday.  The “but”….he was leaving the continent for a long term work assignment soon after.  

So we had fun, he left, we kept in touch via text here and there but he lived on another continent so, that was that. 

Back to present.  We reconnected about a year ago on Facebook (one example of drunk texting gone right) and I thought a lot about him the last couple of weeks of the summer .  When I knew I was going to spend the month of September at the beach also, I thought to myself “I should reach out to him and see how he’s doing; I know he visits here in September”.  

But I talked myself out of it.  He’s probably married or at the very least dating someone and why ruin a good memory by making it real and, possibly, disappointing.  A couple of days after I settled this internal argument I got a Facebook message from HIM.  He was visiting the beach that weekend and wondering if I would be there too.  Now, I’ve gotten over the part of my life where everything was a sign or had a deep meaningful meaning but this might have changed my mind, a little.

Turns out I had plans that weekend and could not make it to the beach so we met up in the city instead.  And it was FUNNNN!! So fun, more fun than any other date I’ve been on in, well, ever, really.  

I was trying to describe to someone why it was so great and what I came up with was, he hears me.  And vice-versa.  Lots of people talk, I talk to a lot of people and I love and appreciate all the people and points of view I’m lucky enough to have in my life but, with him, I don’t have to elaborate.  He just gets it.  I can let my guard down and be me.  He doesn’t think I’m weird, he doesn’t care I don’t like to talk on the phone, he doesn’t think it’s odd that I need a lot of space.  I guess it’s not a very romantic reaction but what I feel, in return, is relief.  I’m not alone.

Who knows what happens now.  I’ve seen him again since then but, because I can never take the simple way, he lives in another state.  Not impossible but not easy.  He’s working on a project close by for the next couple of months so I will see him more, just not sure what the possibilities are at this point.

But it gives me hope and a new perspective…..I guess you could call it a “growing experience”...

The Negative Thoughts

I've been slacking on the blogging.....but my good friend did a little writing about a "situation" he had today and it inspired me.  And I need some encouragement friends!  My negative thoughts are starting to spiral. 

The positive - I've been promoted at work (a blessing and a curse), finished a 3 day juice cleanse that immediately changed my eating (and drinking) habits for the better, essentially overnight.  I'm back in my routine at the gym, my apartment is clean and I'm feeling accomplished and productive.

The negative - I've been promoted at work.  I'm grateful, proud and have earned it but it's HARD.  I sometimes come home feeling as if I have no soul left.

And, I haven't been dating much.  I think I might be starting to feel lonely.  This is a foreign feeling for me.  I enjoy my alone time, am usually very active and always find new ways to entertain myself.  This has not changed but nothing feels satisfying.  Almost as if I'm doing things for the sake of doing them but getting no real enjoyment or fulfillment.  It's a frustrating feeling and I'm not a fan.  And I'm tired.  I just want to lay my head down for a couple of days and let someone else do all the thinking.  Problem - I don't have a someone else. 

So, what now?  I'm usually good at talking myself out of the funks but as with everything else, it gets harder the older I get.  Does anyone else feel this way?  I'd love to hear your thoughts if you do.

Ok - back to the dating.  I have gone on two dates recently.  One was with a man who just turned 50 - the age wasn't a problem for me, the amount of botox and work he'd had done to his face was.  A BIG problem.  It was disturbing for lack a more appropriate word.  There wasn't a hair follicle or pore to be scene.  I could barely look him straight in the face.  I hate to be so thrown off by something so small but UGH.  I mean, a little nip or tuck here or there, go for it but this was just over the top and unnecessary.  The shame of it all was he would have been a very attractive man if he'd just let himself age gracefully.  We were definitely not a match, I'm lucky to put foundation and a little mascara on before I leave the house for work...

The other date was with a guy who grew up in the city and still lives there in one of my favorite areas.  He works for a hedge fund but wasn't a typical douchebag finance guy.  We met for dinner at a cool little local place and had fun.  Went to a different place after for a drink....alluded to seeing each other again, had a good kiss goodnight and I left happy and hopeful.  Definitely could see this one going somewhere.  Until I never heard from him again.  This was the first time I've felt disappointed when one of these online guys didn't follow through.  Not devastated but my ego is definitely a little bruised.

I think maybe a break from life will do me a little good.  I'm in one of those moods where I hate everyone and everything, which should bode well for the 4 day trip I'm about to embark on with my MOTHER.  Pray for me to have the strength to just keep my mouth SHUT for once.

There is another prospect that I've been chatting with a bit........so updates on the next fruitless effort to come after I return from New Orleans this weekend ;)

The Insecurities Won

I tried.  I really, really did.  I tried to make it work.  I went outside my comfort zone, I talked, we talked, we talked some more, and then we talked again, and then once more.  Too the point where I got tired of hearing myself speak.  It was the same thing, time and again.  Bottom line, insecurities can ruin a good thing.  Take note readers, no one wants to constantly reassure you that you they want to be with you.  It's exhausting and unattractive.  If the person you are with isn't giving you what you need to feel secure, then find a way to accept it and be happy in yourself, or move on.  Some combinations of people just don't work and that's it.

In this particular scenario, it was my commitment and interest constantly being questioned.  Those who know me know I'm not the most warm and fuzzy creature on the planet.  You know it takes me a while to warm up and get comfortable with new people, longer than the average person probably.  That can be frustrating in a dating situation, I do agree.  It's not for lack of trying on my part, the effort might not be as visible and evident as would be ideal, but the effort is there none the less.  I told him this, in no uncertain terms.   I told him I liked being with him.  I told him I enjoyed his company.  I told him if he could just be a little patient, I could get there.  I told him many, many times.  We'd end the conversation and everything would be fine, fun even, until the next time when the whole excruciating cycle started again.  "No, I'm not dating anyone else" "Yes I'm attracted to you" "No I'm probably never going to be the girl to run down the street and jump into your arms but that doesn't mean I'm not excited to see you"  etc etc etc  He'd make things up that I was doing and then we'd fight about these made up things that were never happening in the first place.  Who wants to do that?

I've been on the other side of this too....I've been the insecure one. We all have been, it happens.  This experience has taught me to try not to make my insecurities someone else's problem.  It's not fair.

I've said it before, I'm not even close to perfect.  But I have grown to like who I am, for the most part.  Can I use some (or a lot) of improvement, of course.  I try to be better than yesterday, every day.  What was not good about dating this guy was, I started to feel bad about myself and eventually wasn't sure who I was anymore or if there was anything good about me.  And that was just 2 months in......I can't imagine where I'd be a year or several years from now.

So letting it go was the right thing to do.  There were more moments when I wanted to smack him than hug him.  That's enough to know it's not working right?

So, the blog resumes!  I'm pushing the reset button, starting a juice cleanse next week, getting back to yoga (it always helps remind me of my strength when I forget) and, yes, back to dating.

I think first up will be a man who is significantly older than me.  We're playing phone tag right now but I hope to meet him this week.  His profile says a lot of good things so I'm excited to meet him.  Here we go again!

A Success Story?

After a lot of thought I think I'm going to put the blog on a little hiatus.  I'm still seeing the same guy and things are going well.  He's a step ahead of me in more ways than I thought, particularly the speed in which our "relationship" progresses.  So it's been a bit of a struggle for me to keep up, emotionally.  He wants to make a lot of future plans and I'm finding it hard to keep coming up with ways to delay the inevitable.  The inevitable being a real, full blown 24 hour a day relationship.  Wasn't that the whole point to begin with?  Yep, it certainly was.  Now that the potential is here, I'm not going to lie, I'm starting to panic just a little.  This is good though.  Part of the growing process is facing things that aren't comfortable and standing your ground until they are.  So that's my goal.  To stay calm and appreciate the opportunity I've been given...

For those of you who are reading and single, PLEASE give on-line dating a shot.  It's not always easy and sometimes sucks but clearly the benefits outweigh the negatives.  Even the worse situation I've encountered wasn't all that bad (Renaissance man anyone?).  Think of it as shopping at a sample sale or H&M, you have to make a commitment to scour through lots of crappy stuff but it's totally worth it once you find that perfect thing.  Isn't it?

Again, thanks for reading and for your support and wisdom.  I've learned a lot about myself, one of the most important things being I have some of the most beautiful, kind, honest, supportive, intelligent friends and family in the world.  I love you all!

I'll keep updating on my private facebook wall and if I end up back in the dating pool, will start the blog up again.  Good luck with whatever your goals may be!

Date #11 & 12 - The Pleasant Surprise

Our second date was at a trendy restaurant in the city, just a couple of blocks from my office.  It was a place I had been wanting to try out so a great suggestion by him.  He was early and was able to get our spot on the list for a table without any input from me AND had a beer waiting for me when I got there.  You might not think beer is the proper choice for a "lady" but we had discussed how much I enjoy trying new beers at brunch so it was nice that he remembered.  Most men, or people even, don't remember ANYTHING, EVER.  So to find someone who remembers a small detail like that is cool.  I appreciated it.  Also proves he actually listens.  Again, a rare find.

We only had a short time to wait for our table and wound up at a cool spot upstairs overlooking the bar area.  I usually don't feel comfortable eating on dates because it's so awkward.  To me, at least.  It's hard to scream across the table loud enough to be heard and try to eat gracefully at the same time.  I never do a good job of it.  However, I didn't have the same anxieties I usually do in this case.  It was easy. 

Conversation was great again.  We broached some more serious topics this time but it wasn't the usual nonsense you get with a guy when you talk about these types of things.  They just came naturally and were usually brought up by him.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, we had an adult conversation about adult things without either person wanting to run for the hills.  I'll admit, I can be just as bad, as that's my usual reaction to such talk.  I didn't feel like I was about to hyperventilate at all.  

I did notice one minor negative detail.  His table manners are not that good.  I've definitely seen much worse, to the point where I couldn't even be at the table with this person.  My date isn't nearly as bad but there's room for improvement.  But, if that's the worst of it, I'll take it.

We left that date with plans for a 3rd date, 2 days later.  He texted me the next day to inquire about time and said he'd make a reservation.  A real, live, thought out in advance reservation to a restaurant.  Once again, with absolutely no input from me.  We had also talked about how much I like tapas and Spanish food so he chose a place that serves that downtown.  This time there was a Mojito waiting for me upon my arrival. I did come to realize it was only there because he ordered one for himself and decided he didn't want it.  But still.  Most guys I know would have just sent it back as opposed to waiting to see if I wanted it instead.

I enjoyed our conversation even more this time because it got a bit more real and less "interview-ish".  He's very smart and is good at the banter, which is one of my favorite things to do.  What I liked even more is he doesn't have a problem disagreeing with me and proving his point.  Confident and intelligent.  And he doesn't worry about making impressions or hurting his pride.  He asked me out again for a 4th date right in the middle of dinner!  Almost too good to be true.

Most importantly, and appreciated by me is, there have been no attempts at creepy touching.  Or any touching for that matter.  He hasn't even commented on how I look or what I'm wearing.  I know many of you might find that off putting but I like it.  It takes a while for me to warm up to people (except for when it's a bad idea in which case, I'm all over it).  And compliments make me uncomfortable.  So I'm glad he hasn't gone there just yet.

I'll post again about Date #4.  I know I said I'd stop after the 3rd date but I feel like it hasn't gotten to the point where I'd be divulging intimate details so I'll do one more.  I also went out with Ashton, the young one I mentioned a couple of posts ago, so will post that one too.  Hope everyone has an amazing New Year's Eve!  

Date #10 - The Pleasant Surprise

As soon as I began communicating with him, I knew we were on the same wave-length.  I hate that term but it's the best way to describe it.  I love it when I can communicate with someone, in whatever form, and not have to think about what I'm saying too much.  You know, there are some people with whom you have to re-word each text message before you send it or re-think every sentence before you say it.  Not this guy.  So right from the start, I was more at ease and comfortable being me.  Which is such a relief!

Even better than that? He seems to be a step ahead of me, which is rare.  I'm not saying I know everything, or even a fraction of everything, but I'm quick.  I get things done and I don't like to wait.  Before I can even think about getting annoyed because we haven't firmed up plans, he's texting me with the time and location of where we are meeting.  It almost brings me to tears of happiness, I'm not exaggerating (well, maybe a little exaggeration but you get what I'm saying).

We choose brunch for our first "date" and both arrive 15 minutes early.  I'm usually very prompt but not usually early.  I thought it would be best for one of us to get there early to find a table as brunch at this particular spot is a popular destination.  Amazingly enough, he had the same exact thought.  Again, tears of joy.

He looked exactly like his pictures and is exactly the height he claimed to be on his profile.  Physically, if I could build my perfect man, he probably would NOT be it.  But I can't say I even noticed that too much after we started talking,  Conversation flowed easily.  We discovered we both worked at one of my past places of employment (he left right as I was joining), have very similar families and backgrounds, both enjoy living in the city area (not as common as one might think) and are social people who drink alcohol.  As I've said before, I don't want to date a drunk BUT I do enjoy splitting a bottle of wine with dinner or meeting for happy hour after work.  That is fun to me, so to find someone who enjoys that is important.  I'm not saying I want to be out slamming cocktails until 4am on the weekends.  Not anymore, anyway.  But having a few drinks after work or a few bottles of wine with friends, definite yes.  So this is good.

Before I knew it we made our way through a full meal and two mimosas and I wasn't ready to leave yet.  Wowza.  At this point I'm usually finding a reason to leave gracefully.  What's more surprising is HE takes control and decides to ask for the check.  What?!  Amazing.

Here's the other great thing I learned about him, he walks fast.  My fellow fast walkers out there will understand.

We parted ways with another date planned for that following Tuesday.  More to come!