The Insecurities Won

I tried.  I really, really did.  I tried to make it work.  I went outside my comfort zone, I talked, we talked, we talked some more, and then we talked again, and then once more.  Too the point where I got tired of hearing myself speak.  It was the same thing, time and again.  Bottom line, insecurities can ruin a good thing.  Take note readers, no one wants to constantly reassure you that you they want to be with you.  It's exhausting and unattractive.  If the person you are with isn't giving you what you need to feel secure, then find a way to accept it and be happy in yourself, or move on.  Some combinations of people just don't work and that's it.

In this particular scenario, it was my commitment and interest constantly being questioned.  Those who know me know I'm not the most warm and fuzzy creature on the planet.  You know it takes me a while to warm up and get comfortable with new people, longer than the average person probably.  That can be frustrating in a dating situation, I do agree.  It's not for lack of trying on my part, the effort might not be as visible and evident as would be ideal, but the effort is there none the less.  I told him this, in no uncertain terms.   I told him I liked being with him.  I told him I enjoyed his company.  I told him if he could just be a little patient, I could get there.  I told him many, many times.  We'd end the conversation and everything would be fine, fun even, until the next time when the whole excruciating cycle started again.  "No, I'm not dating anyone else" "Yes I'm attracted to you" "No I'm probably never going to be the girl to run down the street and jump into your arms but that doesn't mean I'm not excited to see you"  etc etc etc  He'd make things up that I was doing and then we'd fight about these made up things that were never happening in the first place.  Who wants to do that?

I've been on the other side of this too....I've been the insecure one. We all have been, it happens.  This experience has taught me to try not to make my insecurities someone else's problem.  It's not fair.

I've said it before, I'm not even close to perfect.  But I have grown to like who I am, for the most part.  Can I use some (or a lot) of improvement, of course.  I try to be better than yesterday, every day.  What was not good about dating this guy was, I started to feel bad about myself and eventually wasn't sure who I was anymore or if there was anything good about me.  And that was just 2 months in......I can't imagine where I'd be a year or several years from now.

So letting it go was the right thing to do.  There were more moments when I wanted to smack him than hug him.  That's enough to know it's not working right?

So, the blog resumes!  I'm pushing the reset button, starting a juice cleanse next week, getting back to yoga (it always helps remind me of my strength when I forget) and, yes, back to dating.

I think first up will be a man who is significantly older than me.  We're playing phone tag right now but I hope to meet him this week.  His profile says a lot of good things so I'm excited to meet him.  Here we go again!