In parliamentary procedure, if a debate has dragged on longer than you feel is really warranted, you
can “call the question,” at which time the chair has to immediately ask
those assembled to vote to determine whether or not the debate should be cut
off or continue. The motion to call the question is itself not
debatable.
That concept can easily be applied to relationships. It happens when you're in the dating purgatory for a little too long. That place between - "those first couple of dates were so fun" and "Where do we go from here?"
Where is this going? Are you dating anyone else? Do you want to meet up again? Should I move on? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?
Simple questions, really. Why does asking them make me feel like I'm about to jump out of an airplane?
I'll back up a little. Last we spoke, me and guy from the past were getting along just great. We had a great date, we had plans to meet up again in a couple of weeks and everything was GREAT. Then there was a natural disaster. And now things are not so great anymore.
(Because this blog is meant to be light hearted and fun I don't want to go into details of that disaster. It was terrible and my heart goes out to those who lost far more than I did. It's been tough to get my head back in the game, I can only imagine what those who have lost homes and family are feeling. It's my hope that they can carry on peacefully.)
He, the guy, was supposed to be back in town the week the disaster happened so his visit was obviously canceled. Here's the thing about guys. They don't have a fucking clue how to communicate.
He tells me the trip was canceled and I ask him if he'd like to plan another time we could meet up. Next I heard from him was a day later asking some details on how we were doing during the storm. But definitely not answering my question. To be fair, the footage of the storm was pretty scary so he might not have felt that was the right time to be asking me to plan a trip. And I'd probably agree. Problem is, he could have just said that. Instead, there's silence and I'm wondering. There's nothing I despise more than being left to wonder.
He checked in here or there but just enough to say he did. No real effort or offers to help and I really kept him more updated than he tried to be. My effort was greater even when I was the one living the nightmare.
We kept in touch as things gradually got back to normal for me. I asked him how he was doing one day (as it really had been all about me and the floods for a good while) and got, you guessed it, silence. For a couple of days. Which was strange. He's not the quickest responder but it's usually not days.
On the third day, I decided to mentally write him off. Refreshed my online dating profile, talked to some people, felt good about the decision, went home to pack and as it usually goes with these types of things, my phone rings...and it's him.
To summarize "Hey wanted to check in to make sure you're ok oh and btw sorry I haven't been in touch I had a family emergency that happened 5 days ago"
Uh huh. This is going to sound cold but I thought to myself, that doesn't explain why you haven't made much of an effort the days BEFORE 5 days ago. But I said all the right things, offered to help etc and figured I'd make another effort and asked him if he was interested in joining a trip I wanted to plan. I had originally wanted to ask him to join but when I hadn't heard from him obviously I thought I knew he was not interested. Of course his answer was, sure that would be fun, let me know what you decide.
But...still no effort on his part to plan something. Anything. If I hadn't said something we'd be back to nothing. No suggestions for where he'd like to go, no dates he's available. It feels his actions aren't matching up with his words in a lot of ways.
So I eventually said something. There was another unsatisfying text exchange and I finally lost my patience. Now before you think, what's up with her, he just said he had a family emergency? Please realize that I've made ALL the effort for us to keep in touch. Every bit of it. The only things he's initiated are the first time we hung out and the phone call and maybe one or two one word questions about my status during the storm. That's it. And every communication has ended with him disappearing. There's no - good night, I'm heading out talk to you tomorrow, or going to the gym or anything like that. I say something and he just never responds. And that's it until the next time I reach out. Somethings not quite lining up. That doesn't feel good and that leads me to believe he's ok with a quick chat here or there but really not a whole lot more.
I told him I was done trying, I thought it felt obvious he's not interested in finding a way to meet up again, if there's something I did for this to be the case then please accept my apology.
No response.
Until 6:00 am. Which I don't even know what to think about that. Of course he says, I don't know what you're talking about I was totally into planning something for December. Ok, that's great. But that's very different than actually taking action to plan something. I can say a lot of things but until I do them, what I say doesn't matter.
I told him I just really wanted to plan something fun with him. Does not matter where or when. Even offered to meet him where he could tend to his family emergency at the same time. (Again, before you think I'm being dismissive of his family situation, he told me he planned a couple of trips in the last couple of days. He's capable of planning things, just not with me)
My closing argument was that I just don't want to keep asking and "putting myself out there" if it's not what he wants. Very simple. Yes or no. In or out. Where is this going? I guess these types of questions are hardest when you already have an idea the answer isn't what you'd hoped for.
And, that was about 12 hours ago. Bet you can guess what the response was.....NOTHING!
So I've done a lot of thinking about why he came back into my life now. And what I could learn from it because I'm so disappointed. I think, in a lot of ways, we are very similar. I've made a lot of progress but I can see now why any man who was emotionally available would run screaming from me. Hitting this brick wall is just not fun. I have a brick wall. It's not as thick as it used to be, but it's there. Now I know why it's so frustrating. And why I have to keep working at dismantling it.
